All the Rave

How on earth is this real life? I’ve just walked into a rave as a 43 year old recently divorced woman with absolutely no experience being at a rave. And this wasn’t just ANY rave this was a huge gathering of a thousand or so people in broad daylight in a huge open field in front of the capital building. Civic Center Park apparently. I’m so old and out of touch it’s insane. But here I am. With my bestie and her new boytoy, in my “say yes to everything” phase. Don’t knock it till you try it! Is the new mantra. 

As we get closer to the venue I can feel the bass rattle in my chest. 

We must be close.

Uh, not really. We still have a few blocks to go. 

Seriously? Holy hell that’s loud as fuck. 

But as I say this I feel the bass course through my body. Or was that the drugs? Did I really just take ecstasy for the first time in my life as a 43 year old single mother? I guess I’m taking “say yes to everything” VERY seriously. But it was bestie’s, not random, and she’s had a lot of experience. She’s a clinical psychologist who provides therapeutic journeys with mushrooms for her clients. She’s for sure a trusted source in the matter, finally I’ve just deciding to let loose and release all judgement. Trust and be free!

By the time we walk in, I’m almost bounce-walking to the beat. My body has fully engaged with this music that I’m not even familiar with but for some reason I can’t fathom NOT moving with it. Ooooo, I forgot how much I loved dancing. Not that I have much experience with Electronic Dance Music but if it has a beat, my body wants to move. Holy fuck, this feels like high school! I remember that feeling of excitement and anticipation entering the gate and seeing the stage for the first time. Feeling the contagious energy of everyone around me just all there for the pure joy of it all. Wow, it’s been A LONG time. But the familiarity of it is oddly comforting after all these years. 

Once we get inside, I realize that even though I wore my booty shorts and a crop top, I probably have more clothes on than 75% of these people. I felt a little risque leaving the apartment but decided I could lean into it because I was feeling sexy and empowered today. But now, in comparison to the fishnets, thong-tards, barely bra tops, see through shirts with visible nipples, mens american flag speedo style bottoms atop roller skates, and of course the handful of hotdog costumes, I realize, anything goes! And aside from the hotdogs, I’m probably covering more skin than most. Where the hell am I? And why does that woman dancing over there with all the confidence in the world look so hot? I’m thrown by the joyful exuberance of… well fuck… everyone! 

As I take a closer look at the facial expressions, conversations, passers by, twirlers, prop wearers, tricycle riders, staff holders, and god knows what else, they all seem to have one thing in common: NO BODY GIVES A FUCK! And they’re all here to share in the joy of the moment. People making friends, people making out, people making bracelets to give out. A few times very basic elementary school style friendship bracelets were exchanged with a series of co-hand gestures that I could eventually tell had a heart in there somewhere.

I’m actually in awe. This is fucking amazing. The energy here is pure joy. The people here are not in the least judgemental, in fact they’re quite the opposite, they’re complimenting strangers, sharing trinkets, and dancing like no one’s watching, except everyone is watching and still no one cares! Holy hell this might just be my new favorite place to be. A community of exceptionally open, welcoming, endearing individuals who all have their own flavor of “weird” that is fully embraced and celebrated. I’m so fuckin in! 

I woman half my age walks by and has the most amazing triple diamond white fishnets I have ever scene, and she wears them SO well. Without hesitating I look at her and make eye contact before I wave my finger up and down at her body.

I love all this! 

What the, what the, what the fuck am I doing? Checking out a stranger. A woman! AND complementing on her outfit?! Wait did I just hit on her? I’m so unclear. 

Thanks! You’re hot too! 

Ok, now less unclear. She approaches me with a huge smile and I notice the sparkles on her eyes, and cheeks, and chest, and…. then she reaches out her hand. For some reason I reach back instinctively, and she begins to pull on one of her friendship bracelets making the first of the co-hand gestures I’ve been noticing. Oh my god! I get to do this!? Why does it feel like I just got picked first in gym class! The ego of my inner child is so stoked. As she finishes by intertwining our fingers and slipping a friendship bracelet onto my wrist, I’m just floored by the incredibly basic, wonderful, and yet welcoming interaction just had by two strangers. Um, yes please. More thank you!

Why did I ever have any preconceived notion about what a rave was? THIS is NOT AT ALL what I expected. The music? Sure. But everything else (hotdogs included) completely blew my expectations into oblivion. 

So fun right!? 

I look over at Bestie who’s Boytoy is dancing happily behind her. She’s content as fuck and clearly this is her happy place. Now I can see why! 

SO much fucking fun! I LOVE IT! 

Fuck yeah! 

I’m moving to the music in a way that’s so freeing and so unapologetically me. I feel so sexy and so taken over by the music it’s insane. Or it’s the drugs, or both. I look around and notice others also just doing their thing and enjoying the shit out of it. I don’t know if it was the part where I was feeling sexy, or the part where I realized I was checking out women, but I’m scanning EVERYONE and relishing in how beautiful bodies are. Just bodies in general, of all shapes and sizes. It’s not what they look like but a vibe that I’m catching on to that the level of confidence and comfort in one’s own skin is by far the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Then out of nowhere I’m thrown off balance. 

Holy shit! I’m so sorry! 

A male, maybe 15 years younger, is gripping my shoulders to keep me from toppling over completely, and before I have a chance to even register what was going on, he’d caught me and returned me to equilibrium, after having bumped into me with the force of… god damn he’s got some sexy arms. 

Um, no worries. 

I look up and his piercing green eyes are lit up in the daylight like something out of an art museum. I notice slight shades of brown just outside of his very dilated pupil and flecks of various darker green amidst the rest. I am lost in his eyes for a split second, and oddly he seems to pause there too. 

You ok? 

He says this slowly enough that I’m curious if I’m not the only one who’s lost track of time here. 

Uh, yea. Thanks. 

K. Good. So sorry! Have a great show!!

Then with a smile and wink that could bring me to my knees, he bops off a few steps, and then glances over his shoulder back toward me, locking eyes again for a split second, before I look away in disbelief that he caught me staring at him as he left. My cheeks flush as they usually would but then there’s a deep sense in my lower body that feels like a primal response to pure attraction. Oh my fucking god. Am I seriously turned on by a total stranger technically young enough to be my child? It would have been a teenage pregnancy mind you, but nonetheless, he’s young as fuck… and fine as hell. What the fuck is happening? I’m here, I’m confused, and I kind of like it… A LOT. 

We go on meandering through the crowd to find shade, or space, or just a new perspective, but really never stop dancing. Boytoy is very affectionate toward Bestie but in a really cute sort of respectful way that doesn’t bother me in the least. At one point they’re making out next to me and I barely even notice. It might be of note that there are actually more than a few people I can see making out in close proximity to us as I glance around the dense crowd. 

Isn’t Molly great?!

Who? 

Molly! Oh my god…Ecstasy! It’s the love drug. It just makes everyone so loving and free.

OH. Yea!! 

Aaaaaah. That makes sense. The PDAs are… OMG did I just respond “who?” to her drug reference? Bahahahah! That’s fucking hillarious. I’m laughing so hard at myself, but I truly have no self-judgement. It’s just THAT funny, but wonderful at the same time. She’s already gone back to making out with Boytoy and I actually pause for a moment watching them enjoy each other so immensely. It’s almost hard to look away, as I feel like their intertwined energy is just growing in levels of joy and pleasure that are just lovely to bare witness to. Holy fuck, it IS the drugs. 

I laugh again and glance away toward the stage but someone standing a few people past them facing me squarely catches my eye. It’s HIM. We make prolonged eye contact while we both continue dancing. Then he gives me a bit of a nod and squint in acknowledgement. Holy fuck he’s hot. My face must have read all the attraction in the world because what I’m pretty sure flashed back at him was a mix of primal desire, sexy flirtatious eyes, and biting the side of my lip in a way that, all combined, made me feel like Clea-fucking-patra. I am feeling so powerful and sexy in my own skin, I’m not at all shy or embarrassed to acknowledge how beautiful this person is. This person who’s clearly noticed my expression because he’s now tilted his head slightly askew in response to my seductressness. As if beckoning a question, I respond with my own suggestive squint nod. Who the fuck am I? I feel so empowered, so full, so confident, and like a fucking goddess right now. And Jesus fucking Christ, he’s now slowly making his way over to me. The thought What the hell to I do now? Is immediately pushed aside and my inner Cleapatra takes over again as I dance with a little more sway and suggestion, maintaining eye contact the entire time. Good GOD I love me, like this. I am so worthy, and so sexy, and so unapologetically me, it’s amazing. 

He gradually gets closer, which turns out takes a little finesse to maintain eye-contact and maneuver through a crowd while dancing. As he does he takes a few moments to look me up and down, slowly, deliberately. Locking eyes again, he smirks but in a hungry and attracted sort of way. I feel SO SEEN. Did I catch a hint of blush rise in his cheeks? Holy fuck. Yes please! He gets closer and less than an arms length away begins to dance near me. Not touching at all, just clearly engaged in matching his movements to mine. No words, just bodies moving, and eyes peering into each others for long moments at a time. After what feels like a lifetime of nervous excitement he reaches out for my shoulder to steady my movements as he leans into my ear. 

It is bad that I’m very attracted to you? 

No…

I’m so flattered by his open honesty and forwardness.

How do you feel about younger men? 

In general or the one standing in front of me? 

Preferably the one standing in front of you, unless your general answer is less painful.

Well, I think he’s sexy as fuck.

He pulls away just far enough to shoot me an electric gaze that I felt through my entire body. 

Can I dance with you? 

I thought you already were. 

Then with a strong, swift motion, he reaches around my lower back and pulls me in hard and close with one arm while cradling the side of my neck with the other. My breath is pulled from me in that moment and it feels so fucking good. 

No. I mean REALLY dance with you. 

I’m clearly in agreement as my hips answer in a positive response as they begin to straddle his thigh between mine. It’s not the kind of dancing that happens in tandem typically but somehow he’s got this force of motion that carries us both in rhythm with the music and our own pulsations. Fuck, I’m so turned on by his confidence and strength. After a few moments of full body contact, I feel his hand brush the skin of my lower back under my shirt and it feels like fire spreading through my spine. I can’t help but exhale a quiet moan in response which he immediately catches in his very nearby ear. 

Hmmmm. You like that? 

Very much. 

He then plays a tantalizing game with his fingertips, brushing my skin ever so lightly back and forth while we dance. Moving from my back to my sides, which usually feel ticklish but are suddenly sensual hot spots instead. I am so fucking turned on right now. One finger grazes past my lower back dimples and I’m lit up. 

Oh fuck. 

I exhale in a breathy involuntary response to his touch. 

Yea? 

Yeah. 

That good huh? 

Uh, huh. Do it again.

Like this? 

He repeats the same movement and my spine tingles in a way I’ve never felt before. 

Uhhhh huh

The breathy tone rising into a moan right in his ear, clearly had an effect on him as I felt his fingers grip hard at my back, nails almost ready to dig in. 

Fuck! You’re so hot. I want to kiss your neck. 

And just in hearing those words, my head immediately falls to the side in full consent as he dives his open mouth onto the base of my neck with the warmest, wettest lips I have ever felt. My eyes close and I’m taken to some other planet of pleasure. I see flashes of color, spirals of light, and invision his mouth on my skin wherever it lands. My body is in shock at the incredible sensations I’m feeling. I then begin to find my way to his neck as well, clearly interrupting his progress with my own. I can hear his pleasure in his breath as I kiss and lick the side of his neck making my way toward his mouth. By the time I get there, we’re both spiraling, breathing hard and somehow haven’t stopped moving our bodies to the music. My hand tangled in his hair, his hand on my neck and lower back, our faces pressed against each other in hunger, noses cheek to cheek. We both want it, it’s clear. There is nothing to hold back from at this point. 

And as if reading my mind as I press my lips toward his, he’s already meeting me half way. Lips, mouths, tongues, entangled in the most blissful sensation I’ve ever had with just one kiss. But we don’t stop there. As we begin to kiss harder and get to know each other in that way, there’s a touch of light teasing that just makes the passion flare even higher. I lose all conscious awareness to the fact that I’m in a crowd of people making out with a total stranger, it’s all just me and the buzzing sensation that has become the heightened awareness in my soul. He’s here, I’m here, and that’s it. Every inch of my body that feels any stimulation from his is thrust into a new stratosphere of pleasure. Making out is somehow nearly orgasmic. 

This goes on for god knows how long and I’m so in the moment it doesn’t matter. He moves his mouth back to my neck and my eyes flutter open ever so slightly letting the outside world in. The juxtaposition of what I’m feeling versus what I’m seeing is almost too much to comprehend. Never in a million years would I have dreamt that I would be on drugs, fully aware of myself, in a crowd, making out with a total stranger, and loving every second of it. 

Welcome to Life Version 2.