Redefining the “Situationship”: Why Uncommittal Non-Monogamy Isn’t the Problem—Fear Is

Ok so real question… 

What does it even mean to be in a relationship if that relationship is ethically non-monogamous? Declaring oneself in “a relationship” at least to me has always come with the understanding of exclusions, monogamy, expectations, boundaries, and other limitations (to some degree at least). So what happens when two people have been open about preferring an ENM relationship since day one? What milestone is there, or is there even a threshold of any kind? If you’re dating someone and you both like each other, you’re both happy with the pace and the time spent together as well as the time spent apart… and both of you understand it’s not exclusive and that each of you have the freedom to roam about as you please… isn’t that just dating? Can there be more than 1 person with whom you are dancing with through this process? Can this multi-person dating scenario simply continue on indefinitely if all parties are aware and happy and continue to consent? Who says you have to find “the one” (I laugh at this phrase now) and “settle down”?!?! First of all, I’m not settling for anyone. B) why only one? 3) what is there “to find” if I have everything I want already? And D) is there even a concept of some kind of goal or declaration of commitment if monogamy isn’t ever going to be part of the equation? 

For example: This week, I’ve been invited to pack “an overnight bag” to stay over at Boy Partner’s house (correction: castle) for the first time. Our initial date was 5 weeks ago and we’ve been having sex (correction: GREAT sex) since date #2. Even from the very beginning we decided not to “play it safe” with small talk, we were open about preferring ethical non-monogomy, we were very forward with each other, asked lots of incredibly personal questions up front, so by the time we actually met we’d already layed it all out there. There was no question that our values were aligned and so it was worth going on a date to see if we were actually attracted to each other. It was almost backward in a way but so refreshing. No wondering in the back of your mind IF this person would be ok with an open relationship, or figuring out when to break it to him that I’m bicurious. All of this was already on the table, so our first date was just to see if we had the chemistry to back it up. Which we DID, and then because we were so open about everything already we both agreed we’d like to see each other again as soon as possible which ended up being 2 days later. No playing games, no being too cool to admit you like someone, no fear of being vulnerable or getting hurt, because the more authentic and transparent you are the quicker you learn if someone is right for you OR NOT! So you either end up with a very open and honest relationship from the beginning OR you don’t waste your time slowly getting to know someone through their outward facing initial representative. SO by date #2 I felt so emotionally safe and physically comfortable with this person that sex was exactly what I wanted, what we both wanted. Did that feel too fast? No. Did I worry that I was only doing this to be liked, chosen, or to please him? Fuck no! Did that feel aligned with my values? Yes. Did it feel like I honored my own desires, my own needs, and my own journey without judgement or fear of what others might think? FUCK YEA! 

So here we are 5 weeks later. We’ve seen each other about twice a week since then and ⅔ of those “dates” were for a quick daytime rendezvous with obvious intentions (single parents with remote jobs for the win!). The funny thing is that even though sex was the only thing on the agenda during our short daytime “dates”, it actually makes the longer dates we’ve had that much more enjoyable. We’ve gotten to know each other physically so well, that’s no longer a question at all when we finally have time for a proper date. We now get to completely focus on the social, emotional wellbeing of ourselves as we relate to one another. Meanwhile, the emotional piece has always been clearly present and mutually complimentary (albeit in small doses for now), but the social scene is where we lack practice. So it’s this perfect upside down and backward dating experience that for some reason everyone wants to avoid! Thanks to cultural messaging I have always been told to act like a lady, to hold off on sex, don’t give access too quickly, because why would he buy the cow* if you can get the milk for free (Also why the fuck am I the cow and in what world is being “bought” and becoming someone else’s possession the goal??) … and all of the other societal norms that prevent women from enjoying their own pleasure as freely as they desire. 

But what if we did? What if we didn’t fear this so-called victim-hood style of “situationship” that everything on social media is instilling all the fear in the world about. Because of COURSE IFF you’re looking for ONE person to fulfill all of your needs, then you should absolutely run the fuck away from anything and everything that could be categorized as a situationship.That shit will waste your time, lower your standards, is unhealthy, emotionally non-commital, limited, and a potential black hole for empaths and codependence alike. Again, that’s IF you’re looking to find one person to meet ALL of your needs. 

But WHAT IF instead of looking for “THE ONE” (whatever the fuck that means) you’re looking for “your team!” You’re searching for teammates (PLURAL) that work together to support your needs, each knowing they play a vital role within a larger picture, each providing a fulfilling aspect that brings joy and pleasure into your life, AND each knowing they ARE NOT the only one, but also that they’re not limited or excluded from finding ways to fulfill their own needs elsewhere too. It’s self-awareness and self-advocating at its finest on a level of attachment SO secure it borders on DEtachment. But in the best way possible! Hear me out: 

If Boy Partner of 5 weeks has gone out of his way to show me how much he cares, does sweet things, says amazingly nice and emotionally vulnerable things, shows up for me more than just physically, and ALSO satisfies my sexual needs, while allowing me a safe place to explore my new found post-divorce freedom … AND we both know that the door is ALSO open for OTHER opportunities as they arise… then are there any lines to draw in the sand? Why would we put ourselves in a box when this open playing field is serving us both. And ironically also giving the added comfort that we actively keep choosing each other even though we absolutely have the freedom to do exactly as we please. And it pleases both of us to know that we’re continually being consciously chosen, not out of obligation or need to feel validated, but because we both WANT to continue exploring WITH each other. And if that changes for either one of us then we talk about it (because we’ve set up that kind of transparency), and if at some point we’re just no longer aligned then we’re free to respectfully go on to choose whatever it is that will serve the next phase of our personal journey. It’s just that simple! 

Ok, now going back to said, overnight bag that I’m packing: I also have to strategically figure out which lingerie I want to take to his place on Tuesday knowing that I have another (obviously sex-based) date on Thursday… WITH a married couple. Yes, I’m also dating a married couple. She’s BI, I’m bicurious, they’re lovely and I have fun with them and we all get to explore and meet our needs in a wonderfully supportive, enthusiastically authentic, and pleasurable way. Is this primarily a physically-based situation? Yes. Do they also care about my emotional needs and show me they value me as a whole human? Absolutely! Do I ever imagine some kind of commitment with this couple? Of course not. Do they feel so comfortable and secure in their own relationship that inviting another person to join them only enhances their collective experience? Fuck yea! The beauty of it is that Husband loves doing this FOR her. We’re all on the same page that this is her stage to explore and that her pleasure (by way of me) is the primary intention. He’s not interested in me and I’m not interested in him but we both have a hand (and I say that literally) in helping to enhance each other’s pleasure while focusing on her. Additionally, I’ve been open with Boy Partner about my relations with said couple since day one (given they preceded him). He loves that I get to explore my bicuriosity and we’ve been very open about fantasizing what it would be like to enjoy another woman together. So, they know about him, he knows about them, everyone is not only consenting, they’re enthusiastically open and supportive to the whole team dynamic. Everyone wins! 

So I ask again,  WHAT IF we didn’t fear this so-called victim-hood style of “situationship”? What if it was exactly HOW we all got ALL of our needs met? It seems really depressing to think that someone who is bisexual and married will be forced to forever miss out on the pleasure they desire with a gender to whom they are NOT married. It seems insane to me to think that someone who is exploring all corners of her sexuality cannot do so by dating multiple people or even multiple couples to figure out what it is that she even likes or identifies as authentic to her own journey. 

Meanwhile, we haven’t even begun to scratch the BDSM surface yet. What if you’re dating someone who gives you all the emotional intimacy, social partnership, and deep friendship you could ever want with the huge helping of deliciously vanilla sex with a cherry on top. AND you also have a submissive itch that needs to get scratched or a powerful domineering presence that will eventually whither away your Empressness if not released out into the wild to freely be expressed. NOT that you’re seeking to replace your perfectly amazing partner, but that you know they are not going to be able to fulfill every corner of your wants and desires in the way that makes you feel whole and complete and alive at the level of your entire soul. What would happen if we were all SO secure in ourselves that we could let go of those we wanted to hold so close, not in spite of the fact but BECAUSE of the fact that we loved them so deeply and truly that we know some aspect of their needs would be best met by someone else. Someone who wasn’t looking for commitment, or exclusivity, or parameters or (god forbid) unspoken expectations. What if the perfect scenario to complement other already existing partnerships happened to be someone who wanted to take on a supporting role… to be a safe place to explore, to participate and support and find pleasure and enjoy every aspect of their relations within the boundaries of clearly designed parameters to which everyone agrees and consents and supports enthusiastically. 

So in the scenario that I have multiple situationships: 1) a 5 week old very fun, very emotionally open, and very enjoyable Boy Partner 2) a 3 month old Married Couple who’s invited me to their house this week (instead of a date at the swingers club where we met) so this feels like a fun new level of progress and trust … and the yet to be mentioned 3) an old flame who occasionally pops up out of the woodwork for some unbelievably passionate and smoldering (albeit complicated as fuck) sex with deeply emotional ties that have proven so far to be unmanageable or at least too intense for both of us in our current states of the healing process. AND I also had the freedom to flirt with a female bartender a few weeks ago and give her my number, which felt amazing and empowering and freeing even though she never reached out, which doesn’t matter in the least. The whole point is that I got to choose what I wanted to do in that moment without attachment to the outcome knowing I was not harming anyone else or crossing a boundary or even stretching the confines of the other relational parameters that exist between myself and each of my teammates. Everyone knows everything and given the very basic parameters and expectations, everyone continues to consent to each of their roles in this team-based situationship… because it’s exactly what serves ALL of us and OUR needs and we get to continue to have the freedom to make sure every aspect of our needs are getting met on a regular basis, even if that means recruiting others to join the team as well. 

Given ALL of this does that mean I’m a slutt? Maybe but what does being “a slutt” even mean? If being “a slutt” by definition just means that I get to do what I want and follow my pleasure and honor my desires as they arise, then I’m ALL FOR IT! Does that mean I’m a victim in this intentionally curated situation? OF COURSE NOT! In fact it’s the opposite entirely! By design it’s the most empowering experience of relating to other people I have ever encountered. And this kind of set up ONLY attracts people who are also SO secure in themselves that they have the capacity to let go of societal expectations like monogamy and the end goal of “being chosen” as a worthy spouse. We aren’t riddled with self-limiting fear, shame, or insecurities, and we are encouraged to freely express our wants, desires, needs, and choose to honor ourselves however we see fit! It’s honestly the most liberating thing I could imagine! And best of all we’re all enthusiastically supportive of each other’s journey and love to play a role in encouraging each other to be our biggest, most expressive, and most aligned selves to live a life as free as anyone could ever imagine. 

SO again… I ask: Is a dreaded situationship really the enemy here OR is the actual enemy our own limiting beliefs?? Remove the insecure attachment, fear of not being chosen, anxiety surrounding infidelity, the need for constant external validation, and the death grip on restrictive expectations and what are you left with? Total freedom! I say situationships might actually be the key to enjoying a liberated life where we have the sovereignty to choose exactly how to meet our own needs in a respectful way that also allows others to do the same. It’s actually quite beautiful. 

So next time you see yet another message bad mouthing situationships, it might be worth asking yourself: would empowered, respectful, nonjudgement, sexual freedom, enhance your life in any way? If so, then maybe it’s time for you to start questioning limitations that no longer serve you. Maybe it’s time to start living into the life you’ve always wanted but were too scared to try. Maybe it’s time to start honoring your own needs and desires. Because maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’re 100% worth it, and you absolutely deserve to feel all the pleasure in the world.